Monday, June 27, 2011

Series: Debunking Dyke Myths

Myth #4: Butch Bois Will Not Date Other Bois

Alrighty, it is time for another installment of our favorite series, dykes! This time, we address an issue that is most definitely near and dear to my heart: the Boi/Boi Pairing.

Photo Credit: Queerstock

Now, ladygays, I am most definitely a boi whose head is turned by other bois. And I am unapologetically honest about this, too. Here lately, as I have sought out other boi loving bois, I have been successfully convinced that the Butch/Femme paradigm is just another silly dyke stereotype. 

Butches do not need to always go for Femmes. Sure, I'll look at something hot and dolled up on the beach.

Who wouldn't?

But at the end of the day, 'mos, that is just not what turns my head. In fact, I just joined an entire group of boi lovin' bois on Facebook. Nothing wrong with butch/femme.

But it hardly applies to all of us, contrary to popular belief. I don't know who made that *rule,* 'mosexuals, but I ain't following it. It was more than likely made up by straight people who are only comfortable with gay couples who present outward roles that mirror their own male/female relationships. Nine times out of ten, this just doesn't work for us! But don't get me started on THAT tangent, as you all know how I feel about the heteronormative gender binary by now. 

So, all you boi lovin' bois like me, come out of that closet!
Photo Credit Queerstock

Let the other butch bois who secretly love other bois but chase femmes to save face know that you are looking for them! Boi/Boi couples are hot, too. Break the rules, dykes! Bois, its time to find ourselves some boi lovin'.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

We Can Get Married in the Empire State!

Get out your white silk tuxes and glittery bowties, because yet another state has done the right, just, and civil thing, coming into the twenty- first century and legalizing Marriage Equality for all, muh ladies! In a 33-29 victory, the New York State Senate voted to give us the same rights and protections that marriage offers the straights! Special thanks to the four Republicans who crossed party lines to help make this happen, and a very special thanks to Senator Mark Grisanti(R) for his most moving speech. Watch the video below. Couldn't ask for a better Gay Pride gift!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Debate: What Do We Call Our Totally Rad Straight Boys?

Well c - munchers, I am sure this is not the first time this debate has been opened, and I am sure it will not be the last. I was talking to some fellow boiz on Facebook earlier, and the topic came up of what to call our male buddies who happen to like like women, but are perfectly cool being just friends with lesbians.
Well, gay men have the Fag Hag.

Now, since this term has slowly but surely become synonymous with not straight girls who simply have gay guys as friends, but with slightly(or more than slightly) overweight, socially awkward, desperate straight women who just hang around a bunch of gays because they struck out with their own community socially and romantically, they have adopted an alternative term, the Fruit Fly.
This one tends to refer to the perfectly normal straight girls who happen to have a few gay men in their friend circle.

So what are we to call our straight guy friends, lesbos?
seems to be a somewhat acceptable term; there is even a column on AfterEllen entitled Lesbros. But it doesn't seem to have caught on with everyone like "Fag Hag" and "Fruit Fly" have for the straight women who latch on to gay men. Some people say "Fag Stag." But that doesn't make much sense, because that could easily be straight men who hang out with gay men(and more than likely is). One of the lovely bois in my new favorite Facebook group came up with "Stud Bud." 

So whataya think, dykes? I am sure our awesome straight boys are so sad that they don't have a special label.

So let's vote on a label for them! Lesbro, Stud Bud, Fag Stag, or anything else you'd like to consider! Let's give our boys a name!

Yup, High Riding Bitches Have Feelings, Too.

But some people don't seem to know that. Sometimes teasing isn't teasing, it is mockery and derision, and can be very hurtful. Let me tell ya what my week has been like, 'mos. 
Being an upper level IT student, my classes are very small, and the same people are in pretty much all of them. One said person is an obnoxious, abrasive, forty year old, balding baby who acts like a toddler in a sandbox. 

He has decided that he thinks my activism and the gay plight are funny. He also let the whole class know how funny he thinks it is. And of course the class laughed hysterically.

This fool has been taking shots at me every chance he gets, in the middle of our Networking Security class, for weeks. For, example, when we were talking about hackers making viruses in order to force software developers to fix holes in programs, this douche said, "Sounds like something a protester would do." Of course, the class laughed. Then, Tuesday night, which was the last straw, when were talking about the expense of getting Verisign Network Certificates
( I am sure you have all seen the logo on secure sites, but in case not, here it is).

 for businesses, another outburst: "But activists have to pay double."

Now, I am not one to take easy offense, homos, but, keep in mind this has been going on for weeks, and, furthermore, I have been forced to relive the worst bullying moments of my life, being the butt of all jokes for one reason or another K-12, not the least of which was being gay. 

Now, mos, I am not a mean person. You know all know this. But, I am also not one to take bullshit. I put up with this asshole's BS for four weeks, and I have finally had enough. So I emailed him. I am going to share the exchange with you, sans email addresses(no matter how tempting it might be to post them). My words are in purple, his response is in green.

Don't read into it! 
I joke in general terms about your activism; you seem to always bring up the gay issue. 
Your sensitivity gives you the perception that you are the butt of everyone's jokes, when in fact, people like me respect you for your passion. 
I will agree that I might have been out of line, but to think it was malicious is completely naive. 
See you in class.

At 9:01 PM on Tuesday, June 21, 2011, Shannon Barber 

it was funny the first few times. No longer. I don't appreciate your forcing me to relive being the butt of everyone's jokes like I was forced to endure for so long. furthermore, the fact that you enjoy 1100+ rights and protections that I and millions of other LGBT Americans do not under the letter of the law is not funny.The fact that people are still killed for being gay is not funny. The fact that I have been gay bashed more times than I care to mention is not funny. The teen suicides of LGBT youth are not funny.The fact that I have been harassed for being gay for the duration of much of my life is not funny. Please do not make fun of something that is a very serious issue indeed. I don't expect you to give a damn, but please respect the fact that not everyone has the same rights that you do, and that some of us are working very hard to change it. I might just be another crazy activist or a "piece of work" to you, but I hope to be so much more to so many people. Think about that, instead of making jokes about something that is hardly funny.

Frankly, I question whether or not this turd has any respect for me, and I totally didn't appreciate the condescending tone of the email. So I emailed my instructor, telling him to control the childish bastard speak with the gentleman about his behavior. He talked to me first, read the email exchange, and agreed that said classmate was being insensitive. He is a totally not homophobic cool ass Jamaican dude who used to work for Microsoft. 

So, he's all about being open minded. 

So, dykes, am I being oversensitive? Have I been overreacting? Taking the scars and anguish of past experiences and projecting them onto him? What do you think? Either way, his behavior was uncalled for and inappropriate for a classroom setting. Furthermore, homophobic antics in schools, both at the K-12 and college levels, is still an unbelievably huge issue, and, until that changes, each person who engages in said bullying, in jest or otherwise, needs to be made an example of so that Every.Single.Student knows that it will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Whataya think, queers? Amirite?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Fat Lesbian Southern Summer is Officially Here!

Well, 'mos, it is after midnight, so that means that it is officially SUMMERTIME IN THE SOUTH. 

You wake up One day in mid- May to Early- June to find your grass dead and brown from the heat, your dog panting and miserable, and your own body soaked head to toe due to the lack of air conditioning in the night. Yup, dykes, it's summertime.

Now, despite the generally disgusting, sweaty, heat addled misery of a typical summer below the Mason Dixon Line, there are some pretty awesome things to look forward to: BBQ parties, Margaritas on deck at expensive restaurants...

But, we all know what the best part of summer is for ANY LESBO:

Now, while obviously filled with copious amounts of joy at the prospect of spending even a little time ogling hotties on the beach in summer, I am also swept with an enormous wave of panic. You see, 'mos, I don't look like the gorgeous, babelicious dykes in the photo above. 

I'm fat. No, really, I am. Nobody wants to see me in a bathing suit, and I sure as hell DO NOT want to be seen in one. You're talking to someone who doesn't even wear shorts in summer, in spite of the almost unbearable heat for several miserable months out of the year here. Seriously. So what's a girl to wear? 

Well, Lesbos, here is Shannon's beach uniform for the year:
Yep, you guessed it: Board Shorts.
You can bet your sweet bippy I won't be looking like this

In them though. Oh well. To complete the ensemble, is, of course, every lesbian's summer wardrobe staple, a white wife beater tank. 

Hey, it might not be typical female beachwear,dykes,but it isn't unusual for us, and, most importantly, I won't scare everyone off the beach. Happy First Day of summer, Lovely Lessies!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

What Did Shannon Do For Father's Day? Get Laid!

To all the lesbolicious ladies who have a good relationship with their fathers- 

Hope it was a good one. Alas, I don't really have that going on for me. My father and mother and sister did what all followers of the One True Religion do on Sunday, especially on Holiday Sundays: they went to church. But y'all bitches know I don't roll like that, so, of course I stayed home.

I had prepared to catch up on some homework while the house was quiet(don't worry, I did, I got a whole program done!), but then a much more interesting use of my time showed up on my doorstep: my on again off again booty call.

Now, ladies, this is one hot dyke, let me tell ya. I could never date her, too much drama, but I can sure as hell fuck her. and I did. It was a quickie, but well worth it, and I had to usher her
unceremoniously out the door so I could perform the post-forbidden-sex-clean-up before the parentals returned. 

Unfortunately, 'mos, I still sleep in my childhood bed.

Not exactly ideal for lady lovin',ya know? So I took the next available alternative...wait for guessed it...MY PARENTS' BED.

Now, as I know exactly how my mother arranges her room and makes her bed, as its been exactly the same for the last twenty years (not an exaggeration), this would not have been a problem had I been less careless and had more time. I was sitting here, diligently doing Windows Server Labs, all clean and tidy and ordered as if I had not just been fucking in my parents' bed, when I hear my  mother SHRIEK in alarm.

While not the calmest woman on the planet, my mother is generally not one for spewing expletives on a Sunday, so I knew something was up, and I also knew it just had to be my fault. Sure enough, a few seconds later, she barrels into the room and throws something at me. Guess what it is? MY STRAP ON DILDO.
(Y'all didn't really think I was gonna show you my dick did you?)

We stare at each other in silence. I look from my  mother to the sex toy and back again I don't know how many times. My Twenty minutes of fun had turned into my worst nightmare. She didn't say anything though. She just stared at me, then left. Perhaps she thought the embarrassment was enough? Either way, dykes, I'm off the hook. Sigh of Relief. Happy Father's Day indeed.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Series: Dykin' It Up

Episode One: I Don't Wanna Be a Boy..But I Wouldn't Mind Looking Like One

We've all been there, homogays. We don't identify with the heteronormative gender binary, and sometimes some of us wouldn't mind expressing that, right? That is kinda where I am at right now. I am hardly FTM, but I do identify genderqueer.

 So how do I express that to the world? Well, there are many ways to show off your queerness, dykes. We all get that *thrill* when people mistake us for men, don't we? But the thing is, we are not men. Nature told us so when she delivered our tits, thighs, and asses, didn't she? And don't even GET ME STARTED on Aunt Flo.

Just UGH.

But fear not! There are ways to make oneself appear more manly despite our undeniably *ahem* womanly figures
Ladygays, you are not doomed to forever presenting yourselves as This
If you don't want to. Here are some helpful tips, courtesy of my awesomely wise buddy from to help us all achieve that hot butch look we crave.

First, those pesky breasts gotta be compressed. They are, of course, the biggest give away as far as your female body goes. makes some awesome binders, and the guy who designs them is well aware of who his customers are.
You DO NOT want to use Ace Bandages.


They are not meant for binding, and things get compressed that should not.It could result in some seriously bad shit, like pneumonia. Seriously, don't do it. Get a real binder, again, found at, and get the smallest size you think you can fit into, and that is a healthy way to flatten those annoyingly female tits. 
Once the binder is on, lie on the bed and press the tissue to the side. Be advised ladies- prolonged binding could permanently change the consistency of the breast tissue, and, hence, the appearance of the ya- yas. 
Also, compression shorts have been suggested for hips and thighs. 

Finally, nothing screams "MANLY!" like a great pair of shit- kickin' combat boots.

Steel toed works great if you live in an area full of ignorant rednecks like I do. Not condoning violence, but, you know. 

And, of course every good dyke knows about those infamous Lesbian haircuts! 

And here you have it, girly 'mos! Everything you need to complete the perfect dyke look. Any questions, just ask! Good luck turning that pesky girl bod into an (apparently) boyish one. Enjoy! 

Oh, and girls? If you didn't figure it out, you can get stuck in a binder. Have some help available in case this happens. And if you're one of those sexy spectacle wearing lesbians, remove them before scooting into that tight ass piece of tit binding wonder material.

That's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoyed this first entry to Dykin' It Up. To be continued...

Friday, June 17, 2011

From Agnoticism to Atheism: Have I Made the Leap?

Well, 'mos, you all know I have no issue with people believing as they choose, because I am open- minded like that. However, as you all also know, if you know me at all, organized religion and the shit many of its followers do "IN THE NAME OF THE LORD" royally pisses me off, as it does many members of our community. And Can you blame us? You have the LDS Church, primary  funders of Prop 8, now working to take political action against non- traditional families.  You even have restaurants like Chik Fil A openly admitting to hating us, but will take our money just the same.

Isn't that enough? All of that comes from one place, dykes: RELIGION. As far as I am concerned, it is the most well told lie in the history of mankind, and let me tell ya, my ladies, that God isn't one I'd want anything to do with anyway, considering that he was a seriously evil character. Richard Dawkins says it better than I can.

In short, homos, Atheism is in my future, I believe, if I am not already there. I simply cannot condone nor believe the bullshit that is organized religion. The people who rely on it for their sense of morals and values are seriously fucked up, for the most part, and some of the most morally sound individuals I know are...wait for it...COMPLETELY FED UP WITH RELIGIOUS NUTJOBS. 

And, in closing, the most powerful, important video you may ever watch. It could truly change your life.

This, my fellow homosexuals, sums up my feelings on anyone who takes their morality from the Judeo- Christian God.

Also, read Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion. That, and the Bible itself, read in its entirety, with an open mind, rather than a fearful theistic one, are the best arguments for atheism ever.  Here, at the end of this post, I can answer my own question: Yes. I am an Atheist, and damn proud of it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Yup, I'm a High- Riding Bitch

It's official, 'mos. I am a "militant homosexual activist with an axe to grind." Local GOPers said  so, so it must be true, right? After all, everyone knows the religious right knows everything. The comment was borne of statements I made about the alarming number of Fox News enthusiasts here in this grand old bastion of Strong Southern Values. Well then, so be it. This is one dyke who is damn proud to be getting some attention for what I do, and, well ladies, to paraphrase from the great movie Dolores Claiborne , sometimes being a high- riding bitch is the only way to survive, and this Out and Proud Homosexual is all about survival.