It's Official: Yes, I Am a Whore

So, I have been thinking lately (surprising, I know). I am ready to be in a relationship, finally. Yup, that's right, dykes! Shannon is ready to date after three years of the single life.

I spent all that time getting to know myself, but hey, a girl's got needs. We all know how Shannon likes to get it on.

But to that end, three years girlfriendless, but not sexless, means that there simply must have been a lot of random women. A WHOLE lot. But, with so many drunken, passion filled nights, how's a girl to know how many people she's fucked? Well, thank goodness for modern technology! Of course, the logical thing to do in this situation is to break out the old cell phones.

I spent three hours this afternoon going through several phones from the last three years (luckily I keep them rather than throwing them out), and meticulously counting through the address books, happening upon entries like "girl from the beach- closet case" and "Married but hot in the sack." After all of this, I came up with a MONSTROUS number, dykes. I have slept with 287 women in approximately the last three years. At first, I thought "WHOA, PLAYA!" But, then I thought: I am OMFG A TOTAL WHORE! I have always hated that stereotype about gay people. And here I am, living it out. So, dykes, what does this say about me? Would you date someone with that kind of track record? Or is it ok?

What Did Shannon Do For Father's Day? Get Laid!

To all the lesbolicious ladies who have a good relationship with their fathers- 

Hope it was a good one. Alas, I don't really have that going on for me. My father and mother and sister did what all followers of the One True Religion do on Sunday, especially on Holiday Sundays: they went to church. But y'all bitches know I don't roll like that, so, of course I stayed home.


I had prepared to catch up on some homework while the house was quiet(don't worry, I did, I got a whole program done!), but then a much more interesting use of my time showed up on my doorstep: my on again off again booty call.

Now, ladies, this is one hot dyke, let me tell ya. I could never date her, too much drama, but I can sure as hell fuck her. and I did. It was a quickie, but well worth it, and I had to usher her

unceremoniously out the door so I could perform the post-forbidden-sex-clean-up before the parentals returned. 

Unfortunately, 'mos, I still sleep in my childhood bed.

Not exactly ideal for lady lovin',ya know? So I took the next available alternative...wait for it...you guessed it...MY PARENTS' BED.

Now, as I know exactly how my mother arranges her room and makes her bed, as its been exactly the same for the last twenty years (not an exaggeration), this would not have been a problem had I been less careless and had more time. I was sitting here, diligently doing Windows Server Labs, all clean and tidy and ordered as if I had not just been fucking in my parents' bed, when I hear my  mother SHRIEK in alarm.

While not the calmest woman on the planet, my mother is generally not one for spewing expletives on a Sunday, so I knew something was up, and I also knew it just had to be my fault. Sure enough, a few seconds later, she barrels into the room and throws something at me. Guess what it is? MY STRAP ON DILDO.

(Y'all didn't really think I was gonna show you my dick did you?)

I had left MY DICK ON MY PARENTS' BEDSIDE TABLE.

We stare at each other in silence. I look from my  mother to the sex toy and back again I don't know how many times. My Twenty minutes of fun had turned into my worst nightmare. She didn't say anything though. She just stared at me, then left. Perhaps she thought the embarrassment was enough? Either way, dykes, I'm off the hook. Sigh of Relief. Happy Father's Day indeed.

Online Dating: The Best Route to Girl Groovin'?

You would think with the world at our fingertips, that anyone who didn't want to be single wouldn't. 

Alas, I am quite sure that even though we are joined at the hip with our laptops these days, that does not mean that the key to true love has necessarily been found within.

Now listen up, 'mosexuals. When I go without, I get cranky. And a cranky Shannon is no fun for anyone. Lemme, tell ya, I'm being straight up on that one. Now there is always the option of you know, the dreaded One Nighter. 

We've all  been there. We've all done it. But I am 30 years old. About to graduate. Time to quit that shit. Wouldn't you lovely ladies agree?

Thought so.

So now, I am looking for TRUE LOVE. You know, my ONE AND ONLY. But, even with tens of thousands, perhaps more, women on the internet, I have had no luck. I have, however come across some awesome gay sites. AfterEllen is a great pop culture, news, and advice site with a rather active forum, for example. Lesbotronic is a REALLY private site that offers forums, and a separate section for personals. There are also people who say match.com and EHarmony might give good results as well. But I am broke and cheap and hell will freeze over before I pay for that. So, whataya think, queers? Is online dating the way to go to find Everlasting dyke love?