The Season is Upon Us, Lovelies!

I missed the opportunity to make a Thanksgiving post, because it was just so damned busy. I will not bore you all with the details of my busy but uneventful extended holiday weekend, I'll just say I hope you all had a 

if you celebrate. Well, with the end of Thanksgiving, we all know what that means- the onslaught of the December Holiday Season. 

In America, that largely translates to Christmas. 

Which is fine- after all, I do celebrate the holiday in a secular sense. There's never anything wrong with giving gifts and being nice and charitable acts and all that. But, it never stops there. Never. Instead, the devoutly religious among us use this season to proselytize and attempt to force the rest of the world to celebrate in a religious sense. Hence this ridiculous, imagined War on Christmas that the GOP and their ilk are bandying on about these days. 

The sad thing is, most of these people are just too ignorant to realize two things: for one, they stole the holiday from the Pagans in the first place. It was originally the Festival of Yule. 

They don't even know the history of their own damn holiday, and yes, this includes treasured traditions of things like gifts and Christmas trees.

The second thing the fiercely defensive and blindly religious do not realize is that, yes, there are other systems of belief out there. Really. Not everyone is a Christian. To recognize that is not to OMFG ATTACK CHRISTIANITY, but to recognize that there are seven billion people on this planet, and not all of them have the same beliefs that you do. There are several holidays of several systems of belief during this time of year. So, to that end, does it really kill you that much to say 

and respect these basic facts? I know I am probably preaching to the choir here, dykes, but, if I seem to become increasingly grouchy as the season rolls by, there ya have it. I'm thinking by the end, I'll have turned this into an entire series post: The Things That Piss Me Off About the Holiday Season or some such. Stay tuned- gonna be a loooonnnngggg month of December. 

Looking Forward To The Family BBQ- or NOT!

Ok, 'mosexuals, now that I have done the decent, diplomatic thing and done a sweet little blog post about how I am going to enjoy the holiday and appreciate this country even though I am not an equal citizen and blah blah blah...HERE IS THE REAL DEAL.

Instead of spending the holiday celebrating a country that doesn't give two shits about me, but expects me to care about it drinking with other pissed of queers like I should be, I am, instead, spending it at the annual family BBQ.

Now, ladies, you know I love my family. I really do. But they are the types of people who I can only take in OMFG SUPER DUPER SMALL DOSES. Especially when it comes to my extended family.

We are talking about an entire day and evening with bunches of OMFG SUPER DUPER RELIGIOUS SOUTHERN BAPTISTS....and me.

  

 I figure the only way to get through this event, dykes, is, of course, the old stand by:

BOOZE.

And lots of it. Hell, by the time this day is done, all you lucky 'mos who got to spend the holiday partying like normal young, single queers ought to pitch in and get me one of these.

Oughta be enough to keep me in a drunken stupor until I leave this place...or at least preserve my sanity through whatever family time I am forced to endure until then. 

Oh well, at least the food will be good! 

As will the entertainment, should Dad get drunk and try to use the grill and almost set himself on fire like he did last year.

(true story)

And hey, let's face it, despite our differences, they are still my family, and this is, quite possibly, the last time I will be in the same state that they are in for a major holiday, ever. As happy as I am about that, it is all so bittersweet, because it really should be different, right? Yup, I know I am right. So, I'll get drunk like good queers do on holidays, eat too much, and, most of all, control my temper and remember how lucky I am to have three living grandparents at the age of 30. Hope you guys have fun doing whatever it is you do. And, oh yeah, to those of you having better holidays than I am...Don't forget my booze,mmmk? Something tells me I'm gonna need it.

   

Happy Independence Day, Dykes!

Well, this great country of ours is 235 years old as of midnight! Ain't that somethin'? Admittedly I am not all that patriotic, considering the whole second class citizen thing and how pissed off I am about that. It is, however, a great excuse to party!

So put your party hats on, fire up the grill, booze it up, shoot those fireworks, and celebrate our nation's birthday in style! Happy Fourth of July 2011, Lesbians! 

And let's try not to be tooooo pissed off at our nation for at least one day, mmmmmk? Could be a lot worse. Happy Birthday, America!

What Did Shannon Do For Father's Day? Get Laid!

To all the lesbolicious ladies who have a good relationship with their fathers- 

Hope it was a good one. Alas, I don't really have that going on for me. My father and mother and sister did what all followers of the One True Religion do on Sunday, especially on Holiday Sundays: they went to church. But y'all bitches know I don't roll like that, so, of course I stayed home.


I had prepared to catch up on some homework while the house was quiet(don't worry, I did, I got a whole program done!), but then a much more interesting use of my time showed up on my doorstep: my on again off again booty call.

Now, ladies, this is one hot dyke, let me tell ya. I could never date her, too much drama, but I can sure as hell fuck her. and I did. It was a quickie, but well worth it, and I had to usher her

unceremoniously out the door so I could perform the post-forbidden-sex-clean-up before the parentals returned. 

Unfortunately, 'mos, I still sleep in my childhood bed.

Not exactly ideal for lady lovin',ya know? So I took the next available alternative...wait for it...you guessed it...MY PARENTS' BED.

Now, as I know exactly how my mother arranges her room and makes her bed, as its been exactly the same for the last twenty years (not an exaggeration), this would not have been a problem had I been less careless and had more time. I was sitting here, diligently doing Windows Server Labs, all clean and tidy and ordered as if I had not just been fucking in my parents' bed, when I hear my  mother SHRIEK in alarm.

While not the calmest woman on the planet, my mother is generally not one for spewing expletives on a Sunday, so I knew something was up, and I also knew it just had to be my fault. Sure enough, a few seconds later, she barrels into the room and throws something at me. Guess what it is? MY STRAP ON DILDO.

(Y'all didn't really think I was gonna show you my dick did you?)

I had left MY DICK ON MY PARENTS' BEDSIDE TABLE.

We stare at each other in silence. I look from my  mother to the sex toy and back again I don't know how many times. My Twenty minutes of fun had turned into my worst nightmare. She didn't say anything though. She just stared at me, then left. Perhaps she thought the embarrassment was enough? Either way, dykes, I'm off the hook. Sigh of Relief. Happy Father's Day indeed.