Friday, July 29, 2011

Shannon Has a Smart Phone!

Well dykes, I finally entered the wonderful world of Smart Phones. I splurged with my financial aid check and got myself an 
It's gorgeous and the cute Latina chic at the phone store...well..what a great sales woman! And quite the looker, too!

But she is most assuredly straight. And of course she talked me into a case, insurance and all sorts of shit I wasn't originally planning on, just by being her gorgeous self. But the problem is, 'mos, how do I use the damn thing??!?! I want the Android experience to be the best it can be (gods know I spend enough), so any tips you might have are greatly appreciated! Thanks! Oh, and let me in on all the best lesbian apps, too, please!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

OMFG Beach Hottie!

So, as you all well know, I am rounding up the last day of the annual family vacation. It's been OK, a little boring, but I also went off a few times and did my own thing to balance out the big dose of family. On one such outing, I met a "straight" girl in the lazy river. 

Let me tell ya, dykes, she was OMFG ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! But I know better. I swear I know better. Or do I?

Of course I do! But, the thing is, 'mos, SHE spoke to ME first! We were just floating there, in the lazy river with everyone else.

Then, she started talking to me, and Wouldn't STOP. Something tells me her gaydar went off!

So, of course, that meant that she latched on to me. But she also insisted that she is straight. However, her straightness and my gayness did not stop her from inviting me on a nighttime swim and a dip in the jacuzzi. 

I kept reminding myself how OMFG STRAIGHT she was, but she kept flirting. And we all know how much self control I have when it comes to pretty straight girls. Therefore, you can very well imagine what this led to. 

Now, ladyfags, I swore off straight girls a long time ago. Crushing on them and running after them never ends in anything but heartbreak. But...if she was so straight, would she have been hooking up with me? Things that make ya go hmmmm...

At any rate...who cares? A good hook up is the icing on the cake for the perfect gay beach vacay!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I'm Headed to the Beach, Dykes!

Well, my lovelies, it is that time of year again: the annual family beach trip.

Yup, once again, there will be these typical southerners, and ME.

And yes, that is a cigarette you see in my mouth, even though I supposedly quit smoking last week. Something tells me that oath simply cannot flourish on a family vacation.
But hey, look at it like this: it IS a week away from this shithole of a town, that school I loathe, and a change of pace. Plus, I might meet a chic for OMFG A TOTES HOT BEACH ROMANCE!

And let's face it, gurlfags, Shannon's schedule leaves little to no room for romance, so if I get a chance for a little somethin' on the side this week, you'll never hear me complain about family life again. I promise. Until next time. 

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I Hit On My Friend's Mom!

 So I hooked up with a classmate from high school for some food, fun and booze this weekend. Turns out his mom is OMFG SUPER HOT. And nice, too. And just about damn near the PERFECT MILF.
(no this isn't a real pic of her, I wouldn't do that to my friend!)
Something tells me I am developing a MILF FETISH, Dykes! I've always liked older women for their intellect, but never have I had these feelings of OMFG LUST toward a woman that much older. Seriously, I was on her like a dog in heat.
(but only in my mind, I was polite, I swear)

But I totes can't date my bud's mom...and besides that, she is straight. She loves the gays though! And was totes ok with my *ahem* subtle advances.

So, 'mosexuals, this seems to be a new development in dating for Shannon. Any of you other under forty ladies finding these older women hot these days?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Short, Clean Nails, Please!

This is a must, dykes, and no, not because you want “that lesbian look.” 

That is irrelevant. If you are single and happy, have them anyway you like.  But if you are planning to have sex, best to keep them short and clean. Why, you ask? Well, let me enlighten you. Because of infections *ahem* down there.  

It’s simple, really. Your fingernails are the dirtiest part of your body. Shoving them into another woman’s vagina is common practice with lesbians(but I am sure all of you already know this).

Add in the all the gunk from fake fingernails, nail polish, and all the rest, and you could have a real problem on your hands, a serious one. 
simply is not a practical choice nail wise for sexually active lesbians.
Especially if you rip her up if/when things get a little rough. If your nails aren’t clean, she could wind up with an infection that will make  her make sure you never touch her again. 

Imagine sores like what you see up above in your best girl's vagina. Take it a step further and imagine it's all your fault. Would you let you touch you again after that? Didn't think so. Take heed, dykes. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How Was Your Fourth of July?

Mine was..interesting, to say the least. First off it RAINED AND STORMED just as we were getting the grill going. 

As if that weren't bad enough, my uncle got ROARING DRUNK and passed out early. 

   So Mom was not a happy camper, because the one who was supposed to be helping her grill was passed out drunk, and she was stuck grilling in the rain alone, as there are very few people she trusts to help her grill. 

But, other than that, and the fact that everyone was starving and we didn't eat until OMFG OH DARK THIRTY (AKA 11 PM in this instance) the annual family fourth of July cook out went off without a hitch. A bit of a rarity for my family, but other than the general rowdiness that is to be expected at any gathering of extended family, it went just fine. So tell me, 'mos, how was YOUR Independence Day? 

You Might be a Dyke, But You're Still a Woman. Shave, Dammit!

Alright, ladygays, time for a little lesson. It might be an uncomfortable one, but it is more than necessary. Let's talk about hairy kitties.

(nope, no girl kitty pix, sorry!)

Ladies, come on now. Being a lesbian does NOT give you a license to avoid shaving. There's nothing worse than getting hot 'n' heavy, opening her pants, and seeing this horrifically large bush.

(you didn' t think I was gonna show a real bush, did you?)

C'mon now ladies, remember what your mamas taught you at puberty? Well you might not be trying to entice men like they were, but when it comes to body hair, the same rules apply. 



If you don't remember that, faggettes, you just might be going home with these.
(yes girls get them too!)

Remember, gurlfags, bare is beautiful.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Looking Forward To The Family BBQ- or NOT!

Ok, 'mosexuals, now that I have done the decent, diplomatic thing and done a sweet little blog post about how I am going to enjoy the holiday and appreciate this country even though I am not an equal citizen and blah blah blah...HERE IS THE REAL DEAL.

Instead of spending the holiday celebrating a country that doesn't give two shits about me, but expects me to care about it drinking with other pissed of queers like I should be, I am, instead, spending it at the annual family BBQ.
Now, ladies, you know I love my family. I really do. But they are the types of people who I can only take in OMFG SUPER DUPER SMALL DOSES. Especially when it comes to my extended family.

We are talking about an entire day and evening with bunches of OMFG SUPER DUPER RELIGIOUS SOUTHERN BAPTISTS....and me.
 I figure the only way to get through this event, dykes, is, of course, the old stand by:


And lots of it. Hell, by the time this day is done, all you lucky 'mos who got to spend the holiday partying like normal young, single queers ought to pitch in and get me one of these.

Oughta be enough to keep me in a drunken stupor until I leave this place...or at least preserve my sanity through whatever family time I am forced to endure until then. 

Oh well, at least the food will be good! 

As will the entertainment, should Dad get drunk and try to use the grill and almost set himself on fire like he did last year.
(true story)

And hey, let's face it, despite our differences, they are still my family, and this is, quite possibly, the last time I will be in the same state that they are in for a major holiday, ever. As happy as I am about that, it is all so bittersweet, because it really should be different, right? Yup, I know I am right. So, I'll get drunk like good queers do on holidays, eat too much, and, most of all, control my temper and remember how lucky I am to have three living grandparents at the age of 30. Hope you guys have fun doing whatever it is you do. And, oh yeah, to those of you having better holidays than I am...Don't forget my booze,mmmk? Something tells me I'm gonna need it.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy Independence Day, Dykes!

Well, this great country of ours is 235 years old as of midnight! Ain't that somethin'? Admittedly I am not all that patriotic, considering the whole second class citizen thing and how pissed off I am about that. It is, however, a great excuse to party!

So put your party hats on, fire up the grill, booze it up, shoot those fireworks, and celebrate our nation's birthday in style! Happy Fourth of July 2011, Lesbians! 

And let's try not to be tooooo pissed off at our nation for at least one day, mmmmmk? Could be a lot worse. Happy Birthday, America!